On Employment, and the Struggles Therein

In the time I’ve been absent, I got a job. Well, two, to be precise. From retail part time to retail part time plus something called live event operating part time. I have to be honest, it’s not at all what I thought it would be.

I knew the switch from retail to retail would be miserable. But here’s the thing: I was already miserable at my old job. I was the hardest worker there, but because I had been seasonal up until that point and was therefore technically a rehire, I was making minimum wage. It didn’t matter that I knew the store as well as management and was trusted to make management decisions. The company gave raises based on length of time working there, not on merit or ability. As a result, I was largely taken advantage of. I’d stayed as long as I had because I liked my coworkers. But over the years, as I came and went with my school vacations, the coworkers I liked went and stayed gone. There was nothing tying me there anymore, and I dreaded going to work in the morning. I was done.

I didn’t want to switch from one retail job to another, especially since I knew my commute would get longer. (My old job was walking distance, if I woke up early enough.) But with some encouragement from my best friend and boyfriend and mother, I went on the hunt for another retail job while still searching for a day job. I ended up getting a response really quickly, and next thing I knew I’d put in my two weeks with my old job and started at my new one. The half hour commute was a pain, but at least it was a store I cared about a little more than the last one.

I was as done with that job by my second week as I was after two years at my old one.

Speaking of my second week, I got a call right around that time from a staffing agency who wanted me to work a “live streaming” job for a very high profile television network. I mean very, very high profile. (I’m leaving names out on purpose; you never know who’s reading.) I wasn’t about to say no, but they wanted experience with streaming and I didn’t have any. So they said they’d keep my resume on file and call me back.

And call me back they did, about a week and a half later. They said their client was expanding the team and now specifically wanted people with editing experience, of which I have a plethora. They told me it would be an editing-heavy position, with the occasional streaming. They urged me to accept the job quickly–this was a Friday, and they said they would call me back on Monday. I asked them to have until Tuesday, and once I accepted, they asked me to come in to sign the paperwork the same day.

Here’s the thing. In addition to feeling ridiculously pressured, when I went in, I discovered they hadn’t been entirely honest with me. Yes, my work would involve this Very High Profile TV Network, but their client was another company. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an equally high-profile company, but their focus is not on the television industry, which is the industry I want to be in. Not only that, but the staffing agency flat-out lied about the position. It was the exact same streaming position they had offered me originally. Their methods were definitely unethical, and borderline illegal. But hey, I thought to myself, at least I have two big names on my resume now. Surely that will count for something.

But I’m miserable. There is no other word for it. I hate the job. I hate both of my jobs. I hate the fact that I have two jobs. When I was growing up, I promised myself I would never ever take a job I hated just for the money. And now I can’t quit either job, both of which I hate, because I need the money.

Now please don’t get me wrong. I know how lucky I am to have a job at all. I am so grateful to be employed, and I’ll be honest, the money is good. And the streaming job does have those two high-profile names attached to it. But I can’t deny the fact that I’m still miserable. I’m nowhere near where I want to be right now. I feel used, and I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything worthwhile. I don’t feel fulfilled.

I got into a bit of an argument with my boyfriend about it the other day. His contention was that I just don’t like working. And maybe that’s the case. But maybe – and this is a big maybe; I’m 22, what do I know about anything? – but maybe feeling fulfilled is a basic human need.

Bear with me for a second. My defense to him was that, while I haven’t liked working any of the jobs he’s seen me work at, there have been other things I did like. I have a shop on Etsy where I sell things I knit and crochet. The shop hasn’t been active in a very long time, because it isn’t exactly a steady income stream and I simply don’t have time to devote to making stuff anymore, but I love knitting and I had a lot of fun writing the product descriptions and things. And the only thing more exciting than receiving a package is getting a notification from Etsy that someone’s looking forward to receiving a package from you. So I like my shop.

I liked film school, too. Not a whole lot of responsibilities, true enough, but I liked learning new things and I actually enjoyed writing scripts and papers and I loved being on set. The planning was the stressful part, and therefore the part I complained about (and, in turn, the only part of film school I really talked to him about.) but overall it was an experience I loved. There were definitely days I hated it, but it was essentially a “job” and I did have responsibilities and I performed them to the best of my ability and loved doing it. So I liked school.

Last summer, slightly by accident, I took on what turned into a full-time editing job, as a volunteer. That’s right, I didn’t get paid. I barely even got any recognition for it, and I certainly didn’t get any love from the woman in charge of the project. (She simply doesn’t understand the ways in which film differs from theatre, but that’s a story for another day.) As far as jobs go, that was by far the worst one I’ve held to date. But I loved every second of it. It was fun, it was creative, it was just the right level of social for me. And the people who saw the end result loved it too, even if they didn’t thank me. So I liked that editing gig.

So what’s the difference between those three examples and the three “real” jobs I’ve held so far? Well, one difference is the people. I hate people; I’m basically a hermit. In my new retail job, I’m a cashier, which means nothing but people. When I’m making stuff for my shop or writing, I can hole up in my house, put on a sweater (and no pants, of course, because no pants are best pants) and fuzzy socks, throw on some Netflix, and do the whole thing over a cup of tea. But my first retail job involved almost no contact with people, and being on set is nothing but people. So are those the exceptions?

I’m inclined to say that the difference isn’t people, although that’s definitely a contributing factor. Like I said, I hate people. I think, rather, the main difference is that I like editing. I like directing a film set, or even really just being on one. I like knitting and crocheting and writing. I like being creative, and I like settings in which I can accomplish something for someone, directly or indirectly, that no one else can. Anyone can work retail. And frankly, anyone can do this streaming job I have. They’re both talking monkey jobs. They’re not creative. And they’re just not fulfilling for me. They’re high stress with little reward.

Maybe it’s just a personal problem. Maybe I just need to suck it up and find something rewarding in the jobs I do have. But the other thing is, I really don’t feel respected. I mused on my tumblr the other day:

So okay, so every time I mention how frustrating my (newer retail) job is to [a particular individual], her reaction is something to the effect of “yeah, everyone’s total lack of respect for you is something you have to expect in the professional world, suck it up and deal with it.”

Regardless of whether or not this is the case, should we not all be violently opposed to that? Should we not all refuse to be a part of such a system? That’s why I quit my last retail job, and frankly I find it grounds to quit this one too. I have a right to be respected. We all do.

And rights aside, isn’t the company I choose to work for just as important a business decision as the company I choose to shop at? Granted they are paying me, rather than me paying them, but it is still a business transaction. In one instance, they are providing goods, and I am providing economic compensation for the possession of those goods. In the other, I am providing a service, and they are providing economic compensation for the performance of that service. Choosing another job is just as much “taking my business elsewhere” as choosing to shop at one store over another.

If a company cannot provide the “customer” (in this case, employee) service I desire, do I not have a responsibility to make it clear that that is unacceptable and provide my labor elsewhere?

Idk, these are just the things I think about.

So I’ve completely lost the direction I was going with this post, but I’ll admit something. My boyfriend encouraged me to write because I’ve been really down about this employment situation lately, and he says writing makes me feel better. I didn’t really believe him, and I starting writing this post in the waiting room for a doctor’s appointment. But you know what? I do feel better. I feel better and I feel kind of resolved, in a way. I don’t know if now is the time to quit and do what I want with the belief that the money will come to me. But at the very least, I’m going to keep looking for a better job. And every time I feel afraid of rejection, or get discouraged at the prospects, I’m going to come back and read this post. Hopefully I’ll be able to remember the resolve I have right now and tap into it again.

Until next time, may your own financial situation be forever better than it was the day before. May you always feel fulfilled in your job and respected in your workplace. May you never feel discouraged while searching for employment. And may you always feel at peace with who you are.

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